Seder Shel Newborn

Kadesh: Kiddush over milk (or formula, bedieved) -- מלא לוגמיו. That is, until it dribbles down her chin.

Urkhatz: Wash the milk off her chin.

Karpas: What else is greenish (or yellowish) and sharp-smelling? די לחכּימא . . . (i.e. Verbum sap).

Yakhatz: Get the diaper apart. (Its tape is made to stick, not to separate.)

Magid: Tell her why she's crying. I.e., בכייה לדורות.

Rakhtzah: Wash her again. With a brachah, if you can figure out which one.

Motzi matzah: Find something to eat.

Maror: See Karpas, above.

Korekh: Diaper sandwich!

Shulkhan orekh: Hereby most strenuously resolve to finally outfit the changing table with the changing-table covers you bought at the nauseatingly overstocked baby department store. If only the table weren't used so often . . .

Tzafun: Where'd I put the last bit of her bottle?

Barekh: If she's not crying, and you've managed to eat, bentch as if you're being chased by something fast and fanged.

Hallel: "A happy mother of children"! Praised be, indeed.

Nirtzah: "The order of the seder is now finished." Until the second-night seder. And the third ...