World Leaders, Jewish and Non-Jewish, Send Purim Greetings
From the United Synagogue, Spam Division, Propaganda Subsection.
President George W. Bush
The White House
WASHINGTON -- Following are remarks that the President made for the press regarding the Festival of Lots, which falls on Saturday night, except when it doesn't.
"I'd like to thank the Prime Minister of Israel for alerting me to the very real danger that exists from President Haman of Persiran. We would admit defeat, and the terrorists would win, if we did not bomb the bastards back to the Stone Age the minute after the megillah is read at my friend Joseph Lieberman's synagogue Kesher Israel."
Prime Minister Vladimir Putin
MOSCOW - Following are remarks the Prime Minister made to his wife before he turned his face to the wall and fell asleep. Some content has been censored.
"I would like to congratulate my Jewish friends on being so devilishly clever as to defeat the nefarious Central Asians. My friend Rabbi Lazar of the warm, friendly, welcoming, and messianist Jewish group Chabad tells me that only one lesson can be learned from the Scroll of Esther: we would be in very real danger if we did not bomb the Chechnyan bastards back to the Soviet Age the minute after I finish this bottle of vodka."
President Moshe Katzav
JERUSALEM - Following are remarks made by the President to an attractive staff sergeant who brought him coffee this Wednesday.
. . .
On second thought, never mind.
Rabbi Avi Shafran
Spokesman of the World Conference of Grand Jewish Orthodox Charedi Rabbinical Rebbes
SOMEWHERE IN BROOKLYN. QUEENS MAYBE? MONSEY? I FORGET. ANYWAY. - "Since 'the glory of the princess is within doors' and Esther deserves her modesty, the coming Artscroll/Super Charedi (TM) edition of the Megillah will change Queen Esther's name to 'Mister Mister.' While we're at it, 'Mordechai' sounds gay; his name we're changing to 'Mendel.'"
Professor Arnold Eisen
Chancellor of JTS
UPPER WEST SIDE, PARTICULARLY INCONVENIENT TO ANY TRAINS YOU MIGHT EVER WANT TO TAKE. WHY COULDN'T THEY HAVE PUT IT NEARER MIDTOWN? - "First of all, Avi, quit making jokes about what the 'TS' stands for. That's just immature. Second, I'd like to wish an anthropological, sociological, and philosophical Purim to all my constituents. I am pleased to release the results of a comprehensive poll recently taken of the Conservative movement's leadership when they were having lunch together at Katz's. [They were eating the tuna salad. Jeez, you people are so frum!] 50% of the respondents (N=1) agreed with getting shiker-faced on Purim, while another 50% (N=1) held that sugar intoxication was preferred. Another 50% (N=1) wondered when he could finally retire to Jerusalem and join an Orthodox shul. Steve, oh Steve Cohen! Why don't these numbers add up right?..."
Rabbi Elliot Dorff
Professor of Partial Homosexual Heterim
UPPER WEST SIDE, I MEAN THAT'S WHERE HE WORKS, BUT FOR HIS SAKE I HOPE HE LIVES SOMEWHERE ELSE - "I'd like to wish my gay friends an enjoyable Purim. But not too enjoyable."